X is for xtremely difficult to find a word that starts with “X” that fits this post! September 21, 2010

So, school is in full swing and already life is taking it’s toll.

I don’t think I ever realized how important my friends are in my life. I know I have posted on here about all of my friends but it never really mattered until the thought of our family having to split up came into my mind. Our gang is very much involved in the military, three of the seven of us are in the Army, I count Morgan cause she is going to be married to a soldier which means she is “in” the army, you know what I mean. So eventually they will have to leave us. I know we dream about all of us moving away together and just following them around the world, I mean come on what a blast that would be. But let’s face it the odds of that happening are slim…I would love to move to Alaska and just follow Chad and Morgan (and James if he gets on post with them) around but it’s not likely.

I think this thought is what scares me most. I finally have a family, a group of friends, that I can truly be who I am and truly feel safe and secure. I know my friendship with them probably doesn’t mean as much as their friendship with me, because they all have their other priorities that supersede me, but still they are my family. I don’t think that I can ever find another group that means as much to me as them. I know that they pick on me ALL THE TIME but I know that if someone was trying to hurt me they would stand shoulder to shoulder between me and whoever that person is. I have NEVER had people who would fight for me, stand up for me, and care about me. They pick on me yes but that’s apart of our relationship.

I love my family so very much and even if God wills it that we should part ways I guess I will have to find the strength to deal with it. They are my friends, my brothers, my sisters, my family.

~Jen

 

 

W is for Wrinkles…Mr. Wrinkles that is! August 25, 2010

So, we have a group of friends, we don’t really have a name because Morgan is picky. But for the time being I shall say “The Gang”. Anyways, so we have a new member in The Gang by the name of Mr. Wrinkles! We fell in love with him at the Arlington pound and just had to have him. We were going to surprise Morgan but NO Chad caved and told her, so much for army training and withstanding torture!

So we bring home the cutest little puppy in the entire world! At first he was very shy and when he got attached to someone, he would cry when they left because. I think he had abandonment issues. So we get him home and get him a collar and a leash, which he then chews his way through. He doesn’t bark at all, which is good but then again if anyone tries to break in he is more likely to lick them to death then bite them to death. But it’s okay! He is the cutest puppy in the world and has the saddest face of any puppy I have ever met!

I mean look at the pictures! Could you say not to him!?! lol But he is the newest and bestest (yeah I said it) member of the whole family and we all love him very much! Especially when he tries to eat Josh’s pants or tries to attack Morgan when her and Chad are wrestling! I love my family/gang whatever you want to call him!!

V is for Veritas August 24, 2010

This is not about my church.

Veritas is latin for truth. (Jen, it’s one of the words tattooed on one of the McManus brothers’ hands from Boondock Saints).

As Christians, our goal should be truth. We must come to the realization that if something isn’t true, it must be rejected. It is not enough to do or believe something simply because “that’s what we’ve always done.” We must understand why. We must examine our actions, our lives, and bring under scrutiny why we do what we do. If there’s not a good reason to do something, then why are we doing it?

With the increase of dorm students, and as a leader in the dorms, (and being around those who help keep me accountable) I’ve been forced to look at my own life, and begin to examine it against the truth of God’s Word.

And here’s the truth:

I am selfish. I am apathetic. I am prideful. I would rather handle things my own way than the way God would have them handled. When I am tired, I get irritable (which is most of the time, considering I don’t sleep more than four or five hours a night). Alot of the time, I don’t even want to go to church, and don’t spend time with God like I know that I need to. Most of the time, I clamor for control of my own life, doing what I want to do instead of what God wants me to do.

However, I have to come face to face with the truth. And that is that I am not God, and am not in control of my life. I gave that control up when I chose to give him my life. I am no longer the OIC (officer-in-charge) of my life. The truth is that most of my sin is not necessarily in the “action,” but in the struggle to rip control of my life back from God, in the struggle to evict Him from the “throne” of my heart and life.

Each sin comes down to this: Me choosing what I want instead of what God wants for me. And because He’s given me EVERYTHING, (each heart beat, and each breath is a gift of His grace) and has redeemed me, shouldn’t glorifying Him be my only priority? Yeah, but most of the time it isn’t. Most of the time, I’m my main priority.

The truth is that each of us is in continuous need of a Redeemer. We are, as Paul Tripp says, “People in need of change helping people in need of change.” 

And from “Veritas” comes change…

While the truth of who I am is great, the greater truth is that Christ can change anyone…even me. I just have to let Him.

 

But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3:18

-drawbond

U is for Universe Changing-this is for my friends! August 16, 2010

Actually this has NOTHING to do with the universe it’s just not easy to some up with a blog that has something to do with “U” unless I do like unicorns or something and lets say I don’t know much about it, anyways I digress.

It’s August and school starts in a week…needless to say the dorms are filling up and friends are coming back. We have almost 105 students living in the dorms which is more than we have had since I have been here, God does answer prayers. I’m excited and not…I’m ready to graduate, I think I’m getting senior-itis and I’m only a Junior. But just the thought of having two years left and then I have to go back out into the world that already chewed me up and spit me out on the steps of ABC. Let’s just say I’m a little apprehensive to go out and take another beating, I’m tired of the bruises and the scars. But there is something different about this time, I’m different. Last time I was out in the real world I was trying to be someone I wasn’t and I was trying to please myself and not God. I was running from Him, sometimes I still have to keep myself from running. Even after a lifetime of people abandoning me, people using me, and people betraying me I know that God will never do any of those things! He is the only constant thing in my life, even though I have never been constant in His. What can I say I have trouble getting over my rebellious control freak ways.

But another way it’s going to be different is I have the most AMAZING friends any girl could ever ask for! They support me and love me for me and all my freaky craziness!

Lisa- Where do I even begin with you my amazing sister. To think we just started out thinking the other was weird and thinking we would never be friends to being the greatest friends and not only that but sisters. I don’t know if I would have been able to get through a lot of the things I have faced the last two years without you! I love you with all my heart and thank God that he brought you into my life. You were an answer to prayer and I know that when we leave ABC we will always be together! Your my best friend, my sister.

James-Where do I begin?!? You came out of no where and now I count you as my closest and dearest friend. Through countless “Sonic counseling sessions” to just flat out telling me to shut my face you have been more than a friend you have been a brother. The brother I never got the chance to truly know. You kept me straight and helped me realize that all my weirdness and freakiness wasn’t a bad thing but a good thing and that I wasn’t the only one! You saved me from myself and listened to my constant and endless babble that went on inside my head and didn’t run screaming. You will never know what your friendship means to me!

Morgan- I liked you, didn’t like you, was indifferent towards you, now your also one of my best friends and sisters. You show me how I should be and your actions allow the holy spirit to convict me  more than I liked to be…which is why I think I can be so mean to you sometimes. You hold up a mirror that I don’t like looking into…thank you! You standing up for what you believe in makes me want to step up and stand up for what I believe in! I’m stubborn and hard headed and very rebellious and your the first two and you don’t tolerate the third, your the voice of reason and sometimes us rebels need someone like you! I love you greatly and hope that one day I can be as strong and passionate and an amazing woman of God like you!

Chad- Chad, Chad, Chad, sometimes I want to stab you in the throat but other times you the coolest guy in the room! Your like the older brother that likes to rip on his younger sister all the time, sometimes it’s beyond irritating and other times I wouldn’t trade it for the world! I know that when you jack with me it’s only playing and if you didn’t it would mean you didn’t like me so I’m good with it! Your honest and I would trust you with my life! Thank you for everything! Your honestly my hero! Love ya Bra!<—see I didn’t break the bro code by calling you “bro”

Josh and Julie-You guys give me hope! Hope that their is still true, pure, honest love out their! When I see you guys together it’s like seeing a Disney movie come to life and it’s amazing and give me hope that maybe I can find my prince charming, even though it probably won’t be on Myspace or Facebook! I love you both with all my heart and I’m so glad to have you guys! Josh, thank you for just treating me like one of the guys and being that protective older brother, and Julie, thank you for just being so sweet and kind and just purely beyond imagining sweet! I love you greatly little sister!!

I love all of you and wouldn’t trade any of you for anything! We are a family and we each have our very own roles in the family, roles that define who we are. You guys will never know how much all of you mean to me and how much our “family” has healed wounds that I had from my past families. You guys have proven to me that loyal, loving families and friends are still out their, I was just lucky enough to find the greatest of them all, even though we are a band of misfits! =)

P.S. We need to take a big group picture!!!

~Jen

P.S.S. Have you told your friends how much they mean to you?!? Maybe you should!!

T is for Trouble in the Making! August 8, 2010

Jen here! Sorry it’s been so long since a post, but you know how life is!!

How I miss the Oklahoma Skies!

Well a couple weeks ago I went home to spend time with my family! And lets just say I had an absolute BLAST! I got to hand out with my best friend in the WHOLE world, Jeni Jennings, and her amazing husband and my amazing niece and nephew, Tanzi Rae and Brooklyn Zane. We watched Hannah Montana, went bowling, and watching a crap load of movies. I love spending time with Jen because she gets me in a way that honestly no one else gets! We have been through a lot together, from boyfriends, to fights, to deaths, everything and anything that life could throw at two people we have gone through. I praise God for my best friend everyday and sobeyond blessed that she is in my life!!

I also go to spend time with my family. My grandparents and father are now moving back to the old family homestead, which has been in the family since like the 50′s or 60′s. It kind of makes me sad because the house we moved from was the house that I grew up in, but the house they are moving to is where my dad grew up so it’s home. I also go to hang out with my ever loving little sister, Savanna! I love her so much!! She makes everything so much more….interesting. lol But seriously she is the greatest sister a girl could ever have! I love her with all my heart!

No matter where you are in the world, no matter how far you are away from

you family. Please remember that even when you fight, even when you can’t stand each other, they will ALWAYS be there for you! That’s what I love about my family so much! Even through everything we have gone through they still love me and still care about my well being. Put aside all the dysfunctional-ness, they are the greatest family a girl could ask for and I wouldn’t change a thing!! Love you guys!

Until the next time, and I’ll try not to wait so long!!

~Jen

S is for..Stuff that’s been on my mind August 2, 2010

The biggest thing that I’ve been dealing with is learning to trust God. I mean really trust Him. You would think that after being a Christian for nearly 16 years, I would have a handle on this, but I don’t. I’ve come to the realization that if I can trust God with my eternal soul then I should be able to trust Him with the details of my life. I’ve mentioned Psalm 23 in a couple of my other posts, but when I first looked at it from the view of the original hebrew, it completely opened my eyes. My brain knows that He’s actively involved in every single part of my life, but my heart is afraid to trust Him alot of the time.

Anyone that knows me will tell you that I’m insanely prepared and self-sufficient. I don’t like to have to rely on anyone unless it’s absolutely necessary. The thing is that alot of time, this mindset also tends to include reliance on God. But a recent financial situation really drove the whole “trust” thing home.

I’ll spare you the story, but the thing that God me was how God was faithful to provide for me even though I was looking for answers on my own. That’s when I realized that trust isn’t just “hoping” or “wishing” that God will do something. It’s completely letting go of ourselves and our ablities, and resting in the FACT that we KNOW He will. The illustration that I got was when you see people who are learning to skydive. They’re hooked to the instructor, freefalling towards the earth at some insane speed. All they can do is trust the instructor. It’s the same with God. I should be able to trust Him to provide financially, to bring me a wife if He wants me to have one, to show me how to walk in holiness and unity with Him, to lead me and guide me in my counseling, and with everything else.

The question is this: Why don’t I trust Him? The answer is because I view Him in human terms, and/or project on Him the failures and shortcomings of people that I’ve depended on that I feel have let me down. Truthfully, God has never failed me, nor has He brought me this far just to let me fall.

I’m with the dad in Mark 9…”Help Thou my unbelief”…

-drawbond

R – its for ripped to shreds July 29, 2010

“What drives a child to want to give up everything they have? What makes a person think that? WHAT MAKES A MOTHER’S SON THINK THAT DEATH IS BETTER THAN TOMORROW?!…” – Levi the poet

“I never told a soul that I almost killed myself, but I did it. And there are scars that don’t show, but they’re there and I’ve hid it….I hid it because of the shame and weird looks I’d receive. Talks of how its not the answer, the cliche remedies that would never work. Turning myself into a pitty case was not my intent, and all the while my time was spent never knowing that God never intended to have myself be something I resent. Mom and Dad, how could you ignore this. Refusing to see the signs almost cost you YOUR SON!… but that’s ok because you still had the golden one. The cuts in my arms are something we don’t talk about, and faces don’t match the masks in pictures that hang in this house. I can’t stand the way this family is always fighting, and to my brother, you should know that you’re my first and final thought as I close the note that I’m writing. 

And when I got up to leave, and go to the final place you would have found me. God showed me love and let his forgiveness come to surround me. Now you persecute me for dedicating my life to a savior you never knew, but that’s ok, this is not something I do for you. But in a way it is. See now its my responsibility to somehow show you who Christ is, even though you hate everything my life is.” – Josh Voyles

This video inspired me to share part of my testimony I never had. I hated it for so long, but now realize that it only says more about what God can do. For anybody who ever suffered from depression or suicidal tendencies like I used to and came to know Christ through it, or if you know somebody who has, watch this video. It ripped me to shreds. –  When I Go To Meet God

Q is for Quit, and why we don’t believe in it. July 15, 2010

Rule # 2- We don’t believe in Quit…

It’s dark…and it’s early. And by that I mean 0200 hrs, not this “8 a.m.” mess. It’s me, my ipod, and my 20 lb weight vest, running around campus. As I start to run, I think, “I must be crazy,” but already knowing this fact doesn’t help justify to my sleep deprived body what the heck I’m doing out of bed. As I force myself up the hill for the fourth time, I hear my body screaming at me “QUIT!! Just go back to bed you freakin’ Psycho!!” Panting, I verbally remind my body that I don’t believe in quit, and find a song on my ipod that I can get angry & run to.

I don’t believe in quit because I didn’t give up everything and move half way across the country just to fail.

I don’t believe in quit because I have Soldiers that need me.

I don’t believe in quit because chances are if you quit in the small things, you’ll probably quit in the big things.

I don’t believe in quit because once you push yourself through those barriers in your mind, there’ s no telling what you’ll be able to do. 

Some people quit because they’re tired…so what? The human body can operate on as little as 2 hours of sleep.

Some people quit because they’re afraid, forgetting that courage is taking action despite the fear.

Others quit because they’re lazy…How about sacking up and find some “intestinal fortitude”

Now I want to know why YOU don’t believe in Quit.

-drawbond

2026 hrs

P is for Pop Goes the Weasel! July 12, 2010

Have you ever sat down and wondered, “hum, I wonder what my life would be like right now if I had done that differently?” You haven’t? Oh please! Everyone has say down and thought that, okay so maybe you weren’t sitting, maybe you were standing in line at the grocery story, or walking down a busy sidewalk. It doesn’t really matter where you were because everyone has had one of those thoughts atleast once in their lives. Well I had one today, I was sitting in my dorm room BORED OUT OF MY MIND watching hulu tv and I was watching Cheeleader Nation, see what you don’t know is that I have ALWAYS wanted to be a cheerleader. I loved everything about it, the outfits, the hair, the pom poms, the being girly, the being up in front of hundreds of people cheering and being loud, I have wanted to be one my whole life. Another thing you didn’t know is I once had the chance. I was in the 6th grade going into the 7th and I decided to tryout, no I wasn’t as small and cute and petite as the other girls but I was loud and when I say loud, I mean LOUD! (ask any of my friends and the two time winner of ABC”s most loudest, yeah thats me!) So we go through the Three day cheer camp and I learn the routine and the cheers and everthing. We come up on the tryouts and I remember running out on that floor and working it! I worked it more than I ever had, I left everything out on that floor. Then the time came and they called out our names….slowly they started calling names of the girls around me, the cute, blonde, bubbly girls that were usually a shoe in. My heart started to drop than finally I heard, “Jennifer Eskue.” I looked up at the coach and thought my mind was playing tricks on me but it wasn’t they had actually said my name. So I jumped up and ran to the group of girls waiting behind the coach! I was SOO excited! I was going to be popular and accepted and part of the in crowd. But….it never happened. I’m not sure how much longer after the tryouts I was asked if I wanted to go live with my real mom in Texas. When I was asked I was so angry at the person asking that I didn’t even think about the squad and the awesome things that were waiting for me in the 7th grade. I moved to Texas and a whole other story took place.

So sitting there today watching these highschool girls trying out for Cheerleading I thought, “What would have happend? Where would I be had I never moved to Texas?” To be honest, I have no flippin clue! You see everything happens for a reason, living in Texas was hell, I hated it between being bullied and picked on because I was a country hick, to horrible family problems. Some would think that moving to Texas was the worst decision in my life. No it wasn’t. Although it was a hard time in my life and a lot of bad things happened to be in that year and the months following when I moved back, I know it all happened for a reason. See, God has control of everything, he knows every small detail in our lives. Do I know right now why I went through the things I went through in that year? No I don’t, but I know that someday, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, a week, a month, a year at some point in my life that year will be of importance. The things that happened in that small amount of time will help me help someone else, it will help me make a difference in someone elses life.

So, no, I didn’t get to be a cheerleader, no I didn’t get to wear the cute outfits, dance in front of people with pom poms. But I did get strength out of struggle and I did get to see how ugly the world really can be. And because I know how ugly the world can be I know how to recreate the world I live in. Never regret the choices you have made, you are where you are now because of those choices. Is being a cheerleader more important than the lives you might save one day?

Think about it

~Jen

O is for OH heck NO! Not a church, A Cult! July 10, 2010

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whose ever believes in Him should not parish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. John 3:16-17

I never truly understood the meaning of righteous anger. I knew sinful anger, selfish anger, but never before in my life have I felt righteous anger. I’m not sure how many of you have paid any attention to the news a couple months ago, but the “church” that has protested military funerals all over the country have now turned their eyes on Dallas/Ft. Worth Metroplex. Myself, James, and our teacher Ms. Downey and her mother were present at their first protest today at the Holocaust Museum in Dallas, Texas. We got their early so we would could get their before the protesters that were set to get there at 2:15. James and I got there at 1:30, found Ms. Downey and Nana and chatted for a bit. While we waited we got to go through the Dallas Holocaust Museum. James and myself have been through the holocaust museum but still walking through there was heart renching. It made what was happening even worse! I got to meet two holocaust survivors which made it all the more real to me, and the fact that they were their to witness the hatred these people were spouting. It breaks my heart to think that they might believe this is what ALL Christians think and believe. That’s why it was so important that we were present today, to show them that we aren’t like them.

 

At 2:15 the Westboro “Baptist” Church showed up with all their signs and flags. They had signs that said horrible things about the Jewish people, about gay people, the oil spill, and soldiers. In the photos, you will see the Israel flag rapped around a girls waist covered in what I would assume is suppose to be blood. Another little boy stands on the American flag and while singing songs stomps on it. It’s heartbreaking that these people have taken the Word of God and twisted it SO horribly that you can’t tell it’s the word of God anymore. I stood their in shock! It brought tears to my eyes that people claiming the name of Jesus would spew such horrible acid about His chosen people, the apple of His eye! Did they not read in the bible where God tells Abraham “I will bless those that bless thee, and curse those that curse thee.” Better yet, did they not know that Jesus, himself, was Jewish?!? Yes, God hates sin but He DOES NOT hate the sinner! He loves us, all of us, Jewish, Gentile, Catholic, Baptist, Gay, or straight, HE LOVES US ALL! I sit here at this computer lost for words, and for most of you you know that doesn’t happen very often. Their biggest “offense” against the Jewish people is that, ‘they killed Jesus,” I have some news for them, the jewish people didn’t kill Jesus, I did…you did…they did…we all did….OUR sin did! Christ allowed Himself to be put into their hands, Christ allowed Himself to be beaten, mocked, spit on, and eventually hung from a cross. He said, “Therefore my Father loves Me, because I lay down My life that I may take it again. No one takes it from Me, but I lay it down for Myself. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it again. This command I have received from My Father.” John 10:17-18 (NKJV) The Jewish people didn’t kill Jesus, He allowed Himself to be taken so that we may know Him! So that we can spend the rest of eternity with Him, not apart from Him.

I don’t know the relationship those people have the Jesus, and part of me doesn’t care. The sinful person in my doesn’t want them to have a relationship with Jesus because of what they have said and done. But I know that that makes me just like them! I refuse to be anything like them! Today I saw the true face of hatred and pretty darn close to the true face of Evil! I was confronted with a challenge, will I sit down and say nothing? Or will I stand up for whats right?

“First they came for the Communists, but I was not a Communist so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Socialists and the Trade Unionists, but I was neither, so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Jews, but I was not a Jew so I did not speak out. And when they came for me, there was no one left to speak out for me.”

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Silence isn’t golden, silence kills.

~Jen

 

 ‎”A promise made, the tounge was held, but the anger & wrath are still there…We stood our ground without a sound, as they poured out their hateful souls. As they cursed those that protect them, and even give them this very right, I must remember that this too is freedom…and this is what I have fought for.” -drawbond

Today I made a promise…one that I found very hard to keep. Today I promised my friends that I wouldn’t say or do anything in response to this group of people protesting who say they are believers…and I kept that promise. And helping me keep that promise was the “thin blue line” of Dallas’ Finest between myself and this sorry excuse for a “church.” I went today because I was asked to stand with the Jewish people, and the Dallas Holocaust Museum, and I did. But personally, I also went because I am an American Solider, and I know that these people HATE America’s Warriors…the very ones who give them the rights to both free assembly and free speech. They hate America for being America. For me, the hardest part was when they brought the kids and American flags out, and the kids STOOD ON the very symbol of freedom that I have fought for, and my brothers and sisters have DIED for…I was ragingly furious and broken-hearted, knowing that there was nothing I could do…because the truth is, even in this disgusting act of hatred, this too is their right.

I looked evil in its eyes in Iraq…stood face to face every day against a people so full of evil, and hatred that it seems to radiate from their very souls…you can see it seeping from every fiber of their being…I never expected to face it here, in My Country, MY home…but one thing I did notice is this…if you really believe something, really believe it, there is a passion-you would lay down your life for it. I didn’t see that passion in these protestor’s eyes. It was more like they’d been brainwashed…especially the kids-they have no idea what they’re really doing…

Twice I had to go back into the Museum to keep myself from doing something that would land me in prison, so I went into the “memorial room” of the Museum, where they have a memorial setup to honor the memory and loss of the 6 million Jewish people murdered during the holocaust…many of the Nazi soldiers had the same type of brainwashed mentality. And as I stood there, I found myself singing Psalm 122:6, Shalu Shalom Yerushalayim, yishlayu ohavayikh (Pray for the peace of Jerusalem, they shall prosper that love thee)

I don’t really know what more to say, except that this is not what Christianity is about, and this certainly does not declare the hope of the Gospel. And if these people even tried to do this in any other country in the world, they would have already been killed.

…

-drawbond

2118 hours